Last year I wrote about effects of my mother’s workaholism on my personal blog. This year I want to write an update.
TLDR: Good – I feel better. Bad – I feel stuck in a different way and I will write about it in a different post.
Since last year I have recovered a lot of memories which faded soon after I processed them. Writing was the integral part of that recovery, not just journaling but writing fiction too. For some reason putting characters into remotely similar postions as I was in is helpful. Most of this happened during NaNoWriMo last November. First NaNoWriMo which I have took part in. Unfortunately after recovering my memories I haven’t felt the need to continue to write.
Second moment when I was able to recover most painful memories was this summer. Since the end of last year I started having an obsession/special interest with body modification, especially piercings and “heavy” mods like tongue splitting and ear pointing. Tattoos at that time weren’t interesting at all. I always loved zmashd’s dermal anchor, on a nose bridge. When I got the same piercing in Riga1 in August, I was mentally paralyzed because I still had some problems with ownership of my own body.
For some reason quite a big number of abusive parents have an obsession with their kid’s acne and popping them. In my case my mother hated it and forced me to lie still while she popped them. Not just the ones with visible white dot but also those which were just red. Experiencing pain and not being able to do anything about it makes you dissociate.
Even though I could vaguely remember it I wasn’t able to process it until August.
My dyslexia is at the moment at a weird place. Most of the time I can read quite well but sometimes I can’t, especially when I am tired. At those moments I am using either screen reader or I try to find a video content because moving pictures are easier to process. It’s about problem solving which is something I have become quite good since the Crash more than two years ago.
Recent job hunt made me realize that even though I can make phone calls, I couldn’t six months ago, I need to limit the amount of people I am interacting with or write everything down on a white board or something. I still have problems remembering names and faces. Did I mention that I didn’t recognize my own mother when I saw her in January?
I am definitely better than I was last year during this time. My neurodiverse traits are not affecting me as negatively as they used to or I am better at using assistive technology. With my mother out of my life, life is definitely better but hard too. Keep swimming
- Whenever you want to get unusual piercing or heavy mod, choose the artist wisely, very wisely, and don’t rush it. ↩